Losing yourself
by DarkAngel1351
Summary: When Buffy discovers her mother dead by Angelus, she decides to go live with her dad for a month or two and when she comes back she is gothic and suicidal. But can the one person who she hates help her.
1. That Horrible Day

Losing Yourself

_Disclaimer-Sadly, I don't own anything because it all belongs to Joss. _

A/N- this is my first story so I haven't gotten the feel for writing so please be kind with the reviews.

Setback- Somewhere in season 2 where, Angel, lost his soul and is set on killing, Buffy.

Chapter 1

"Hello lover, did you think you could hide from me forever."

"Angel, long time no see"

"No hard feelings Buff, but I would prefer to fight and kill you instead of having these little conversations"

"Dido"

Buffy and Angel began fighting and it was looking like Buffy was having an advantage tonight but Angel kept his pride up and kept throwing puns at her so he could get the upper advantage. "God, Buff, you wanna know the worst part of being with you was…pretending that I actually cared for you, pretending that I loved you"

Buffy cringed at his words and he took this as his advantage and he kicked her **HARD **in the stomach. She doubled over in pain and he grabbed her head and smashed into a near by mausoleum. She surprisingly didn't get knocked unconscious but she was stunned for a few minutes.

Then Xander, Willow, Giles, and Cordelia ran out loaded with stakes, crosses, and holy water so Angel decided that it was better that he took off cause he knew not to underestimate Buffy's friends. At that point Buffy passed out and the gang ran over to Buffy. Giles saw that Buffy was unconscious so he picked Buffy up and the gang took Buffy back to the library.

They arrived and Giles laid her down on top of the research desk and Willow got water and a cloth while Giles called Buffy's mom but no one seemed to answer so he joined Xander and Cordelia at Buffy's side. Willow came back with the water and she told everyone to back up so she wasn't crowded if she woke up. Then Willow got the cloth wet and she started cleaning off all of Buffy's wounds. When she finished everyone decided to sit and wait till she woke up.

2 hours pass

She woke up to total blackness then all of a sudden a flush of light washed over her. All her friends surrounded her and she was greeted with hugs and tears.

"Buffy, oh my god we thought we lost you,"

"Are you ok Buff," _well that was a dumb question I mean of course she is not ok… _

"Um… yeah I'm fine but I think I just wanna go home and spend time with my mom… um I am going to go call her and let her know I am coming…"

"Certainly, you should spend time with her since you never usually get to"

Buffy went over to the phone and dialed her house and on the last ring someone picked up… weird thing was that it wasn't her mom.

"Hey, Buff, to bad you aren't always there to protect the ones you love…"

Then he hung up and Buffy walked out of the room looking like she just seen a ghost.

"Buffy what is the matter,"

Only one word came out of her mouth "Angel"

Then she took off running to her home with Giles, Willow, Xander, and Cordelia running after her. They were right down the street from Buffy's house and they saw her run in the house and disappear. Then a few minutes later they heard Buffy let out a shrill that pierced the night.

To Buffy a few minutes before

She was running throughout her house, the place seemed different like everything had a feeling of death and not the homey feeling it usually brought. She ran through the kitchen, living room, and dinning room. Then she decided to check up stairs for her dearest mother. She ran straight up to her mom's room and she slammed the door open to reveal her mother tied to a chair…dead… with cuts and traces of blood covering her body, and also her eye and jaw was missing out of their sockets. Buffy let out a shrill that broke the silence that had consumed her.

Within a few minutes her friends ran in and saw exactly what caused Buffy to scream. Giles went to Buffy and tried to comfort her while Xander tried to comfort the girls. Buffy passed out so the gang decided to bring her to Giles's house so she could get away from her mother's death and her home.

Shortly after they arrived at Giles's house and Giles put her down on his couch and went over to join the others. It was silent for a while until Giles broke the silence. "Maybe it would do Buffy good if she got to get away from the hellmouth for a while." "Perhaps it would good if she maybe went to her father's. It may help her if she got away. The only thing is Hank cannot know that Joyce is dead cause then he could take her away."

"I think that would be a great idea," Both Xander and Willow replied.

After a few hours of waiting Buffy finally woke up and called her father to come and get her after her friends had a while of convincing. Buffy had just hung up with her father and came out to the gang. "My dad said he should be here in the morning some time and he will pick me up here,"

"That's good news Buffy," Giles went over to the others and they all talked about what they were going to do about patrolling. "Well, it's getting late and my parents will be getting worried," Willow replied. "Hey, Willow I'll walk you home…you too Cordy," Xander and the rest of the gang except for Buffy and Giles went home after saying good-bye to Buffy.

"I will make you a bed on the couch so you can sleep and get you strength up," Giles made a bed and after Buffy fell asleep on the couch and Giles went up to his bedroom and went to bed waiting the day coming up.

A/N- For those who like Joyce I am sorry for killing her but it was the only brutal thing I could come up with.

_As I said before this is my first fiction so please don't be hurt full on reviews._

_I will update within the next day or two._


	2. A New Way Of Life

Losing Yourself- Anew Way Of Life

Buffy woke up that morning excited to see her father but depressed about her mothers death. But one thing was sure to her… Angelus would pay with his life for what he did.

Giles was already up before Buffy and he was in the kitchen making breakfast, which consisted of eggs, bacon, and toast.

Buffy walked out to the kitchen and Giles greeted her.

"Good morning, Buffy. How did you sleep last night?"

Buffy yawned. "Not so much of the sleeping, but more of the tossing and turning."

"I didn't expect you to be able to after what happened,"

"Plus, I am interested in seeing my dad. It has been years since my mom made him leave us, but she never really told me why."

"Well, perhaps he cheated or something along the lines of that."

"Giles… I have been wondering… what are we going to do with my mom? I mean we can't just leave her there in the house. Someone may see and I don't need the police involved in that,"

"Well, me and the others are going to take care of it while you are gone. Is that ok?"

"Yeah… I don't think I could handle being there"

Buffy and Giles talked for a few hours about what will happen when she is gone. During their discussion all of the Scooby's showed up to say good-bye to their friend and that they would keep in contact until she came back.

But finally the time came and Buffy's dad came in a dark blue convertible. Hank came into the house to say hi to his daughter's friends and they all talked for a while.

But then came the time for him to take Buffy back to L.A. with him. So Buffy said good-bye to her friends and got into her dad's car and they drove off. During the ride Buffy and her dad talked and got reacquainted.

Finally they arrived at her dad's house and Hank brought Buffy in the house and gave her a tour. Then he showed her to her new room. But then he did the unexpected.

Hank slammed her against the wall.

"Ok bitch, listen up this is my house and you are lucky I don't throw you out on the streets,

Buffy shoved him off of her. But he slammed her harder against the wall.

"I know your little secret and if you dare fight back or tell anyone about me I will show your little diaries full of secrets to the police and have you locked up in an institution. Got it."

With that Hank let go of her and shut the door behind himself and locked the deadbolt, which happened to be on the outside of the door.

Buffy couldn't believe what had just happened. _Now I think I know why mom made him leave. But why would he want me here in the first place? _

Buffy's POV 

_I wonder what I am going to do. I mean I can't tell me friends, or anyone. I can't risk him telling the cops I mean with my record and all they would happy to lock me up for good. I know I can fight them but I just can't go in hiding forever._

An hour went by and Buffy had just grown hungry and really bored. Then she heard footsteps and the door unlock.

_I hope he didn't come back to piss me off more. Or maybe he just came by to apologize. I bet it is just some joke he is pulling. _

Hank came into Buffy's room and just stood there. So Buffy decided to give him a hug and tell him that she knows that he was only joking. But right when she wrapped her arms around his waist, he grabbed her by the hair and threw her against the wall.

"Don't touch me you disgusting little bitch."

"Dad, are you serious? I'm your daughter. How could you do this to me?"

"I don't give a shit if you're my daughter, the only reason you are here is to serve me. Now follow me.

Hank leads her into the kitchen and then turned to her.

"You are to have dinner, then do the chores I assign you with, then return to your room for the rest of the night. Then in the morning you are to go and get a job so you can buy your own food. The only thing I will provide you with is shelter, the rest you will have to figure out."

"But how am I supposed to find a job by tomorrow?"

"That is for you to find out. Now after you eat you shall do the laundry, mop the floors, do the dishes, clean the house, take out the garbage and do anything else I assign throughout the day. But if you fail to do what I say there will be consequences. The only thing that is yours in this house is your room, which you may do whatever you want with it. Now eat and get to work."

Buffy didn't hesitate and after she ate she got all of her chores done and she returned to her room. _What the fuck did I get myself into? Well better get rest if I am going to get a jog tomorrow. I wonder what everyone else is doing now? _And after the end of that thought she fell to sleep and dreamed of when Angel had his soul and was holding her and protecting her from her troubles.

In Sunnydale

Willow, Xander, Giles, Cordelia, and Oz were patrolling the cemeteries.

"Hey Giles, do you think that Angel would show up?"

"Well, there is a possibility,"

"Oh, well that's comforting." Cordelia said sarcastically

"I wonder what Buffy is doing right now?"

In L.A.- Morning

Buffy woke up at 6:00 and went into her bathroom, which was connected to her room. She took a shower, got dressed and put on her make-up.

Then wrote a note that read:

Dad- 

_I went out to get a job and won't be back till later._

_Love, Buffy_

She took the note and put it somewhere her dad would see it and she grabbed her jacket and went out.

First place Buffy decided to go to was the mall. She looked for a store that would pay enough money for her but all she could only come across Hot Topic. It was a cool store so she went in and went up to the counter.

"I saw that you have a help wanted sign and I was wondering if I could get an application to work here?"

"That would be great, we always need and extra hand around here. You don't even have to fill out an application, just start now and you will get your pay of $200.00 every two weeks."

"That would be great, so what do I have to do?"

"Um just help costumers and work with stock items. Just for now then you can work on the cash register and you get a discount for everything you buy here."

Buffy set off to work in the back of the store working with storage. Then the time came where she got off her shift and went to the food court and bought something that she could afford with the money she had.


	3. Beaten

Losing Yourself – Beaten

A few weeks passed and Buffy had been saving up her money and not buying food but stealing some from the fridge when her father was sleeping and stashing it in her room. She enjoyed her job at Hot Topic and she was staying away from her father so things looked like they were getting better.

Until Buffy's dad caught her stealing the food and he got furious.

"Lookie Lookie what I found, a fox in my henhouse. Now don't fight your punishment Buffy, you never know where it might land you.

Hank came closer with a grin on his face that Lucifer himself would fear. Buffy back up and hit the wall and she noticed her dad grab a knife from the counter.

"I have dying for you to push me far enough, Buffy."

At this point Hank was no more than a centimeter away from his daughter.

"It has been such a long time since I had someone to beat."

And with that said he stabbed Buffy in the gut. She cried out in pain but she stood her ground and stared him the eyes with a tear trickling down her face.

"Don't look at me you little bitch,"

Hank then grabbed Buffy by her hair and slammed her against the wall face first and then he dragged her back to her room and threw her in it. Then he turned and slammed the door and put the deadbolt on it.

Buffy just lie there on the ground with her blood pouring out of her. _Good thing I have a week off of work._ _God what am I gonna do?_

Buffy then pulled a pillow off her bed and fell asleep on her bedroom floor. Halfway through the night Buffy's wound healed and closed up.

Morning

Hank slammed Buffy's door open and stepped inside. He walked over to Buffy and kicked her in the side.

"Come on you little bitch. You start your first day at a new high school today."

"You never told me this last night,"

"Well it is a surprise." Hank smirked "I think you will just love this school,"

In School

Buffy was walking threw the halls of the school in old worn out jeans and an over sized t-shirt, not caring how she looked like. Her stab wound still hurt like hell but she seemed to manage. She was walking past this group of popular kids and they decided to start their day by giving Buffy a hard time.

"Oh my god, look at what the cat dragged in. Can you say loser much." A girl named Tiffany said to her friend.

"I heard that she is like living with her father cause her mom like was crazy and is in an institution."

"Hey, look here she comes"

The girls watched Buffy walk by, and decided to follow her and while they were walking behind her Buffy just ignored them. But she had no choice but to acknowledge them when they stepped in front of her.

"So, look what we have here… the new girl. So are you crazy like your mom? Rumors have it that she was crazy."

The girls laughed and the rest of the school decided to join in. Everyone was saying stuff about Buffy and she felt so uncomfortable. A/N-I know I most definitely would be

Later in the day

People were making fun of Buffy and the football team also gave her a hard time…by shoving her into the lockers. But the rest of the day pretty much played along like that except the teasing got worse and it felt as if the day just dragged on.

But finally the last bell rang meaning school was over. _I just want to get out of here. People are just so mean. I feel so alone. I sent all my friends letters but they never sent any back. Did they forget all about me?_

Buffy kept walking down the halls to main exit and she hesitated before leaving. She walked down the crowded streets of L.A. and she saw a store that read "_Help Wanted- the pay is a lot" _The last words caught Buffy's eye. _Well it wouldn't hurt to have two jobs. I mean I do need the money._

Buffy pushed open the door and walked into a store called "Young Models". A clerk came up to her.

"How may I help you miss?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could have more information about working here?"

"Oh, that is wonderful! We have needed a new model for our show. Well, the pay is $300.00 per show."

"Holy crap! That is a lot."

"Well, are you interested?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Well follow me, we have a show to put on in 30 minutes. You will be paid right after every show. Now come on lets get you all dressed."

The woman brought Buffy to the back room where she was dressed in a skin tight off the shoulder dress.

"Sweetie, you look wonderful! Now wait here and get ready the show is going to start any second. The woman walked away and Buffy waited in line with a whole bunch a female models. Then she saw the manager walk out threw the curtain and Buffy heard her announce the girls as they walked out one at a time.

_Oh my god it's my turn. Here goes nothing._ Buffy walked out through the curtain and walked down the catwalk. _Ok, so far so good, I mean no one is throwing things at me. That's always a good sign._ Buffy got back behind the curtain and the girl that she saw when she got the brought her back to change into something else.

It had been an hour of the clothes show and it was finally over a Buffy was paid $300.00 in cash and told to be there every other Tuesday for another show. At this point Buffy decided it was time to go home, so she made her way back to her father's house.

Luckily when she arrived Hank was asleep so Buffy snuck into her room and stashed her money. After that Buffy's cell phone rang The gang gave it to her as a good bye present. She picked up the phone and couldn't believe who was calling her…


	4. Changes

Losing Yourself – Changes

Luckily when she arrived Hank was asleep so Buffy snuck into her room and stashed her money. After that Buffy's cell phone rang The gang gave it to her as a good bye present. She picked up the phone and couldn't believe who was calling her…

"Hello…"

"Hello lover,"

"Angel…"

"So, Buff, what kinds of things can we talk about,"

"Well, lets start with the question how did you get my cell phone number?"

"Easy, I found it after your little gang and cleaned up after…" Buffy could tell that he was smirking when he said his next words. "…the dead old corpse. All they did was take the body, buy a coffin, and buried her themselves."

"I don't have to listen to you ya know. I can easily hang up."

"Oh, but I wouldn't do that if I were you, Buff. I mean your not in town, you can't protect your friends."

"Stay away from them!"

"Then listen up if you don't want your friends dead. You really should have heard your mother. Every time I hit her, she cried out…it was like music to my ears. To bad you weren't there to save her, I mean you really let her down this time."

"…………………………"

"What's the matter Buff, cat got your tough. Or you just realizing that you let everyone down?"

Buffy's POV 

God, he's right. If I had just got there faster, I could have…no I should have gotten there. It's my fault.

"Your right… it was my fault…"

"I bet your mom is disgusted with a daughter that couldn't even find her in time to help her. Well, Buff, I guess our time here on the phone is up, be seeing you soon."

Click…. The phone went dead on the other line. _God…I don't deserve to live. All I had to do was go home and save my mom but I couldn't even do that. I let her down and now she is dead. I don't deserve to be alive._

And with that in mind Buffy went into her bathroom and found a razor. She took the blade to her wrists and dragged it across her wrist. Blood poured from the cut and she just held her arm in pour bliss. _I shouldn't like this, but it makes me forget about everything for at least a few seconds. _

Buffy ran into the bathroom and turned the faucet on the sink and put her cut under the sink. The water washed away and the cut had already healed (thanks to slayer healing) but it left behind a very visible mark. Then she took the blade and stuck it in a drawer.

After washing off her arm and hiding the blade, Buffy decided that she wasn't hungry but really tired so she got dressed in short cotton shorts and a matching tank top. Then she climbed into bed and snuggled into her pillow.

She slept for a few hours and she suddenly just woke up. She looked at her clock, it read: "12:42 a.m.". _Great well I guess I am up now, but what to do. _Buffy wasn't feeling herself, she had a sudden hate of the world and all of the people. And there was a sadness of not paying attention about her mother's death, and guilt for letting it happen.

Buffy got out of bed and went to her closet, looked around at all the colors of her clothes and a disgusted look appeared on her face. Then she went in the bathroom and went under the sink and took out a box from the cabinet. She opened the box and put it together and tapped it in place. Then she went in the closet and threw all of the colored clothes in a box and then she taped the box up and put the box in the way back of her closet in a corner.

With this done the only thing left in her closet was black skin, tight leather pants and a plain black shirt. So she threw them on and grabbed all of her money, which was more than what she needed, and she climbed out her window and onto the ground. Once she was on the ground she headed toward the mall. _God my dad sleeps all day and all night. He is such a lazy ass! Well at least it keeps him from torchering me._

She walked for a while and her destination came into view. She walked through the main doors and walked to the store, which now held her interest (Hot Topic). Luckily the store was still open and the clerk greeted her.

"Hey, Lela…"

"Hi Buffy, let me guess you came to buy some stuff."

Buffy just nodded not interested in talking.

"Well go ahead and remember that you have discounts."

Buffy just ignored her and browsed through the clothes. She found a whole bunch of clothes that she bought, which consisted of: skirts with chains, chained pants, band shirts, and a lot of revealing clothes. Then she moved onto shoes and boots, she bought pairs of black-chained boots and pairs of black shoes. Then she bought a whole bunch of cds, perfumes, chokers, rings, bracelets, and crossed necklaces. After purchasing all of this stuff she went up to the counter.

"Excuse me… do you give piercing here?"

"Um…yeah. I am able to give any kind of piercing you want."

"Ok… um I want my eye brow, cartilage, tongue, and belly button done."

"Sure just follow me."

Lela lead Buffy to the back room and she had Buffy sit in a chair.

"Ok lets do your cartilage first."

Lela took an earring that had a black jewel that was visible, and put it into a gun and went over to mark her ears. Then she picked up the gun and lined it up with the blue dot on her ear and she pulled the trigger. The earring went in and it didn't hurt that much. Then did the process with Buffy's tongue, eyebrow, and belly button.

By this point Buffy was sore all over but it didn't bother her too much. She went up to the counter and paid for the piercing and grabbed her bags and headed to another store before the mall closed. She walked into "Victoria Secrets" and went over to all of the black lacy bras and grabbed 10 of them all different but still lacy and black. Then she went over to the black silk bikini style underwear and grabbed 12 pairs of them. She took the items up to the counter and paid for them and took all of her bags (from Hot Topic and Victoria Secrets) and ran out of the mall and to her father's house.

She reached the house and climbed through her window and into her room. She listened to see if her dad had gotten up… _nope that's good_. Then she opened her closet and hung up all of her new clothes, which covered her whole closet. Then she lined up all of her shoes on the side of her closet and piled all of her jewelry, perfume, cds, ect. in a drawer.

Then she slipped on pajamas that she just bought. They were black silk with matching pants and tank top. Once she dressed again she walked into the bathroom with guilt building up in her gut once again. Her legs felt as though they would give out but she ignored it. She just opened the drawer, which contained the blade, and she sat on the bathroom floor._ This is the only way to make the pain go away for at least a few moments. I have to do this._

And she took the blade to her wrist, right in the in back of her first mark, and dug the blade down into her wrist **HARD**. This time instead of it pouring out, it gushed out and pooled on the floor. Surprisingly it didn't even touch her pajamas, but it just got every where else. She grabbed a towel and put pressure on the cut and the bleeding slowed down a bit so she turned on the sink and washed her arm.

After cleaning her arm she cleaned the blood off the floor in her bathroom. She had to admit she did a good job at cleaning cause the bathroom was sparkling clean. She picked up the towel and hid it in her closet. (She puts pretty much everything in there) Then she looked at her wrists and yet again another visible scar appeared. So she just stood there staring at it and then she finally came out of her trance and climbed into bed. _In a few weeks I will be free of this house and I will return home……_


	5. Home, Here I come

Losing Yourself – Home, Here I Come 

Buffy was awoken the next morning by Hank slamming her bedroom door open and yelling in her ear. Once Buffy was standing Hank left and she flipped him off and mumbled.

"Once I get out of here I am going to kick your ungrateful ass. But for the time being I will play along to your pathetic game"

And with that said Buffy went into her bathroom, stripped, and got in the shower. She could feel the water washing away all of her troubles. But she was thinking more than she usually did. _Why don't I ever patrol anymore? Is there even a graveyard around here? I wonder how everyone is doing? I wonder if my mom will ever forgive me? No I am crazy to think that she ever will. But what if there was something that she wanted to tell me before she died? _All of this thinking was getting her upset and stressed.

She finished her shower and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. Then she walked to her closet, opened it, and looked for something to wear. She looked at everything and finally.

"Perfect"

Buffy put on her lacy and silky undergarments and took out a shirt that was cut off a little higher than her navel to show off her belly button ring. Then she took out a pair of fishnet stockings and put them on, and then she put on a short black skirt with chains and zippers all over it. She then went into the back of the closet and took out a black velvet choker with a silver cross in the front. Then she stuck on a bunch of rings and 13 small black skinny rubber bracelets. She pick a pair of boots that went almost all the way up her calves with spikes coming out of them. Then last but not least she applied black eye shadow, black eye liner, black mascara, and blood red lipstick to her face.

Buffy looked at herself in the mirror and liked what she saw. She went over to her clock and she had a half hour left until school. So she went to her dresser and took out a black nail polish and a blood red nail polish. First she painted all her nails blood red and then took the black nail polish and painted over all the red except she left the tips of her nails blood red. She dried her nails in her nail dryer machine (forgot the name of it) and she ran into the bathroom and found a bottle of hair dye and put black streaks through her no longer sun kissed hair but her lifeless flat hair. She then grabbed her hair dryer and made the streaks dry.

Buffy glanced at the clock and she had less than 5 minutes left. She grabbed her bag and locked her door behind her and stuffed the key in her bag and she ran out of the house. _Now to the school, but it really fucking sucks that I have to walk there. Oh ,well_.

She walked up the front steps of the school and pushed open both the doors and strolled in. Everyone in the halls just stood and stared and then just ignored her and got on with their lives. Buffy actually thought that maybe, just maybe her appearance would scare people away. But I guess she thought too soon.

During the middle of school, Buffy was just walking out of her classroom doors when all of a sudden she was slammed up against the wall. _I seriously must be getting out of shape of something cause that really hurt._ She looked up to see her attacker and found it to be one of the star football players and the rest of the team including all the cheerleaders just standing behind him.

"Well, what do we have here," Tom, the football player said.

"It looks like the geek has now evolved into gothic slut," A dumb looking cheerleader said.

"And proud of it," Buffy said emotionless.

Tom grabbed Buffy by the front of the shirt and hoisted her off the ground and slammed her into the lockers. Buffy made no emotion at this, she just stared icily at him in the eyes. Then she did the unbelievable, she just held her arms open for him to take a clear shot. He just registered what she did and he started laughing and his crowed following his lead.

"Very funny, go ahead and try to act tuff but I know that you are weak on the inside.

_Oh that's what you think. Just come near he and I will knock your head right off your fucking shoulders._ Buffy didn't actually say that but it almost came out of her mouth. The gang of people just looked at her one more time before leaving and walking into their next class.

Buffy was about to walk into her next class but stopped. _Why the fuck should I go. I mean there is no point cause I am leaving this place any day now. _ Buffy then just walked out of the school and ran home and snuck in through her bedroom window. Once she was in she ran into her closet and pulled out a huge duffle bag and grabbed all of her clothes and threw them into it. Then she grabbed all of her nail polishes, hair products, jewelry, and boots, and threw all of the stuff in the bag.

"Screw the plan, I am getting out of this place tonight."

She then thought of other things like seeing Angel, going home to remember that her mom is gone and all of the other stuff. She felt her eyes burn and a trickle of a tear ran down her cheek. She ran into the bathroom and took out the blade and took one of her arms both of them had and equal number of 6 and cut a slit across it, making 13 scars all together on her arms.

Buffy felt sort of dizzy at the blood lost so she grabbed a towel and out pressure on the cut. She sat down on the floor and waited a few minutes before getting up and washing off her cut in the sink. Then she went over to her bag and grabbed out a bottle of plain black hair dye and mixed the dyer and scrubbed it in her hair and waited a while before hopping in the shower and washing it all out but leaving her hair completely black.

She got out of the shower and blow-dried her hair. Then she picked new clothes to wear. She put on new undergarments and put on long baggy pants that had chains and zippers all over it. Then she pulled out a tight, short sleeve, plain black shirt with a v-neck, which stopped above her navel showing off her belly ring. She went over to the mirror and looked at herself. The cuts on her arm were very visible so she went back into her bag and pulled out a pair of black lacy arm-warmers and she put them on and walked back to the mirror. She looked kind of scary in a way, but that didn't bother her.

She grabbed all of the clothes that she had piled on the floor and stuffed them in the bag. She then went over to her hidden money spot and grabbed it all. She took a quick look around the room to make sure she didn't leave anything and she opened her bedroom door and walked out into the living room. No dad so far… oh she spoke to soon.

Hank walked out from the kitchen and saw the bag and saw her.

"Well, you thought you could just leave."

"Well yeah… why you think you can stop me?"

Hank walked over and stood in front of her.

"I don't think that you will ever make it out of this house alive."

"Really… you think so? Well lets find out."

Hank was about to punch her when she easily grabbed it before it had time to connect with her jaw. Then she hit him hard on the head and her flew through a wall and got knocked unconscious. "You are such a disappointment dad. Oh well." With that Buffy walked out the door with her big bag and walked off to the nearest train station.

She entered the train station and walked up to the front desk.

"I would like a ticket for the next departure to Sunnydale, please."

"That will be $19.85, miss"

Buffy handed the lady the money and took her ticket

"You may aboard the train now cause it will be leaving in 15 minutes."

"Thank you"

Buffy ran off to her train and found it with 5 minutes to spare. She got on the train and took her seat and out her bag next to her. Five minutes passed and the train started driving out of the station and headed to Sunnydale.

"Home. Here I come."

A/N- sorry or the wait if I left you on a cliff hanger, I just went to my mom's house and we don't have internet yet so I couldn't post anything.


	6. Enimies Reunited

Losing Yourself – Enemies Reunited 

Buffy just sat on her seat waiting for the train to pull into the station. She could feel everything flooding back to her like a tidal wave. She could sense the hellmouth calling to her and all the demons ready for a fight. But over them all she felt hatred toward Angelus but mainly herself for letting everything happen when she could have stopped him.

"We have arrived at Sunnydale station, please grab all of your belongings and exit the train, and have a good day," a female attendant said.

Buffy grabbed her overstuffed bag and slung it over her shoulder and she departed off the train and walked out of the station and onto the streets. Everything looked normal... same dark creepy old town, well it was a good thing the town was small cause it was really dark out and she would have gotten lost.

Buffy continued down the dark streets that were so familiar to her and all of her memories came back. The one that sickened her came back as well and she felt the desire to cut herself once again. _No Buffy… just hang in. It is just some stupid addiction you got yourself into._

Buffy reached into her bag and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, which she snagged from her so called father when she left. She just stared at the pack and she was debating weather or not she should take one since she has heard from so many people that they relieve stress. Then she remembered. _Well… if it is another slow way of killing myself… then fine. _

She took one out and pulled a lighter out of her pocket (She had to have one, I mean fire… pretty). She put the cigarette to her lips and lit the lighter flame and burned the tip of the cigarette and inhaled the smoke into her lungs. She struggled not to cough at first but got over it after awhile and found it did in a way relieve her stress. Well that could be a problem in future, but she didn't care. She had the money for them so she was all set.

She continued to walk down the street and she noticed something. She was so wound up in what she was doing that she didn't notice that she was standing a few feet from the factory in which lived Angelus, Drusilla, and Spike.

"Oh, isn't this just great. Well, I have to find somewhere to stay for now I mean I can't just see everyone today, I just need time."

Buffy just stood there trying not to let them know that she was back. _Oh well……I mean it wouldn't hurt to just go up a little closer and see what they have been plotting since I was gone. I mean it is good that they don't have to judge to know if I am there … I mean he is all blown up._

Buffy chuckled a little. _He blew up like an explosion. _Buffy couldn't help but laugh, she felt so looped at the moment that the slightest thing sounded funny. Well she finished her cigarette and tossed it onto the ground and pulled out a whole new one.

Buffy just started skipping around in a circle chanting funny things about how the judge blew up and she fell on her but from being dizzy. By this point she was scaring herself so she just stood up brushed the dirt off her clothes and tried to act mature, which actually worked.

Well she gathered up her courage and went into the factory unnoticed by anyone. She walked down the long dark halls until she heard voices coming from the spot where Spike thrown the party right before Angel lost his soul. Well she ignored her thoughts and went into slayer mode, and she went into the shadows to try and blend, which worked a lot easier since she wore all black now.

She got to the end of the hall and there was the open room with Angelus, Drusilla, and Spike. _Holly shit… Spike was out of the wheel chair and seemed walking fine now. Well there adds another threat to my list._ Buffy was lucky since the rest of the vampire minions were off to do whatever at the time being, so she wouldn't get caught as easily.

"Now, Spike… my boy, really don't get it…" Angelus was cut off by Dru.

"Miss Edith tells me that the slayer has arrived from nowhere land," Drusilla cried out of nowhere.

"Dru..." Spike started.

"She may be in this room at the very moment." Dru calmly said.

Angelus looked around the factory and so did Spike and they didn't see anyone so they listened closer.

Buffy at this point was freaked to know that her cover was busted, but still hoped that since she was totally black that they couldn't be able to see her. Then she thought._ How the fuck does a stupid doll know where I am, but not a bunch of powerful vampires. Oh yeah that's right cause Drusilla is just so loony she talks to the freakin doll. _

Buffy figure that she couldn't hide forever and be coward because she had to face the music. So she stepped out of the shadows and made her big appearance.

"Hello Lover,"

Angelus looked up and saw her. Both he and Spike looked her up and down checking out the changes and the fact that her arms just seemed to be coved up.

"Like the change, love. Just brings out the evilness in you."

"Yeah… whatever" Buffy just rolled her eyes and pulled yet another cigarette finding them more addicting then she thought. She took a long drag and exhaled the smoke.

"So… why would the slayer come here all unprepared and face a bunch of vampires?"

Angelus questioned.

"I donno, maybe I just can't seem to care about what happens to me."

Spike and Angelus looked at each other but Dru never really paid attention to the slayer because she was off in her own world looking at the ceiling. Buffy jumped over the railing and landed on her feet just a couple feet away from the vampires and she walked around looking like she was inspecting the place.

"Or maybe I was just looking for a place to crash for the night."

Both Angelus and Spike had confused faces like she had just grown another head.

"And if you are looking for a place to stay why are you here?" Spike said confused.

"I got bored and thought hey why not go do something fun." Buffy finished with an annoyed look. "Oh well… I guess no fun here so kill you another time, bye……"

Buffy turned and walked out of the factory leaving behind a dumb folded Angelus and Spike.

_A/N- I hope you liked that chapter, let me know if you didn't and give me ideas for the next chapter, which is hopefully coming soon._

_Also forgive for Drusillia's part, I don't really know how to write her character that well._

_Please R&R._


	7. A New Beggining

_A/N- Sry for not reviewing in awhile, I had troubles with my new pc so I had to wait awhile for that to be fixed, and I just couldn't come up with anything else until now. So I hope you like it._

Losing Yourself –

Buffy exited the factory knowing that she left them dumb folded and she loved it. As she was a few meters away from the factory she could sense something but ignored it. She continued down the street to her favorite cemetery and she entered it and found a perfect little crypt that she could crash in.

She thought of going to Giles's house or letting her friends know she was home but she just couldn't face them right now. She started to get all fidgety and she took a small boom box out of her bag and pulled out a cd and placed it in after sticking batteries into the boom box. She pushed the play button and the song "Missing" by Evanescence filled the room.

She then took off her arm warmers and put them in her bag and pulled out her blade, and thought sweet bliss. She sat down on the floor and took the razor to her wrists and she pushed hard into her skin and felt a first jolt of pain but then recovered and felt pure bliss.

(Spike and Angelus an hour before)

"What the bloody hell was that?"

"I have no idea and I do not intend to find out,"

With that said Angelus walked into his and Drusilla's bedroom and shut the door. But Spike on the other hand decided to follow buffy. He walked out of the factory and spotted her so he hid in the shadows as he walked. He could tell that she knew something was there at the way she stiffened but then he saw her relax and keep walking so he figured that she didn't completely sense him.

He watched her go into a cemetery and walked into a crypt and shut the door tight. He crept up to the crypt and stood there. Waiting for what… I don't know. He heard music filling the silent night and heard Buffy sing with the lyrics:

"_Isn't something missing, you wont cry for my absence I know, you forgot me long ago, am I that unimportant, am I so insignificant, isn't something missing, isn't someone missing me? Even though I'd be sacrificed, you won't try for me not now, though I die to know you love me, I'm all alone, isn't someone missing me?"_

At the end of those lyrics he heard her stop singing and he smelt her blood. The smell was intoxicating and he felt like running in and draining the rest of her dry but instead he did the unthinkable. Spike slammed the door open to reveal Buffy on the floor with blood pouring out of her body. He fell to his knees at her side and supported her head on his lap.

"Come on, love, you can't die… not like this. I was supposed to do it."

Buffy just looked at him through her bliss full eyes and he looked deeper into them and what he found scared him but excited him more. He saw total darkness and pain and he made his decision of what he was going to do.

Spike vamped out and Buffy just stared up into his true face and knew what he was going to do and she hesitated but then just let it happen.

Spike lowered his mouth to the throbbing vein in her neck that was calling to him. He punctured his fangs into her neck and drank hungrily and savored the taste and Buffy let out a moan as she felt as though she was seconds near death and she felt him pull his fangs out of her neck and she saw him bite his own wrist and draw blood. He moved his wrist towards her mouth and she just looked at him deep in the eyes and she grabbed his wrist before he could move it to her mouth. She put his wrist to her mouth and fed hungrily.

He was surprised that she wanted to be like him. He expected her to struggle but here she was just feeding off of him without hesitation. He wondered what had happened to the old Buffy that used to love to kick his ass. Well it didn't matter now since of course she was gone.

He got pulled from his thoughts when he knew had given her more than enough and felt a little light headed. He took her mouth away from his wrist and held her close as her body died and she was reborn but in a deathly slumber.

He fell asleep holding her to him in a protective way. Why? He had no idea I guess it could just be the child sire relationship thing because he felt as if she was a part of himself.

_A/N- I guess that turned out more lovey than I thought it would. Sry if it was a little too sappy but my writing sometimes turns out that way. Well I will try to update soon._


	8. An Unexpeted Awakening

_A/N- I am so sorry for the wait, ever since school started up I have been so busy and I haven't been able to concentrate. Well, hopefully soon I will be able to update all my stories and I may add a new one cause it has just been bugging me to not post it. It will be a crossover with either Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean. Probably sooner or later I may have one for them all. Well on with the story……_

An Unexpected Awakening

Buffy had a woken to the feeling of death. She cracked one eye lid open and looked around. The last thing that she had remembered is herself feeding off the bitter but pleasurable taste of Spike's blood. At that thought she was surprisingly not worried at all, she just felt… whole but… hollow.

She brushed off the feeling and looked at her surroundings. She was on a soft bed in a room somewhere and the room was dark but it wasn't so bad with her advanced sight. She couldn't believe it, she could sense about over 50 vampires outside the door. That made her a little wiggy at first and then she realized that she was dead herself and she started top feel better. Well only up until she felt his presence… a feeling of dread washed over her as she saw the door handle turn.

She snapped her eyes shut and she heard the door creak open and she felt the light go on.

Then she heard music turn on and she recognized the song. Then she felt him walk up next to the bed and she felt his weight shift onto the bed. Then she felt his hand stroking her hair softly and brushing kisses down her neck. She opened her eyes and saw the dark eyes of Angelus.

She tried to make herself fall into the fantasy that it was her Angel, but his eyes gave him all away. She saw him smile evilly at her and she had a feeling a dread wash all through her body. His face was inching towards hers and she tried to pull away but the demon inside of herself had other ideas.

"_They… say… don't… trust…, _

_You… me… we… us…,_

_So we'll fall, _

_Cause it's you, me,_

_And it's all about us,_

_It's all about,"_

She grabbed the back of his head and played with his soft hair as she pulled him to her lips. The kiss was full of passion and she felt herself melt as his tongue made its presence known inside of her mouth. His tongue explored every gap and crease inside of her mouth. Buffy was having a war with her mind and body, she knew this was wrong to feel for someone who isn't even there anymore, but the wronger it felt the more she enjoyed it.

"_It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us (all about us)  
There's a theme that they can't touch  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)  
It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us  
all about us"_

He broke the kiss and she just looked into his dark lust filled eyes. She moved her lips towards his neck and licked, nipped, and sucked on his skin and she heard him moan her name and he pulled her closer to himself. Buffy played with the bottom of his shirt before slowly pulling it up his body and she broke away from his neck to pull it over the bed and toss it onto the floor.

"_We'll run away if we must  
'Cause ya know  
It's all about us (It's all about us)  
It's all about love (It's all about us)  
In you I can trust (It's all about us)  
It's all about us"_

She reconnected her mouth to his neck and continued to please him and herself. He slipped his hand up the back of her shirt and creased her back.

"_If they hurt you  
They hurt me too  
So we'll rise up  
Won't stop  
And it's all about  
It's all about"_

Angelus pulled her into his lap and she wrapped her legs around his back and dry humped him while her continued to move his hand further up the back of her shirt. She brought her hands down and squeezed his abs. Her moan and she pulled her shirt over her head and she broke her mouth away just long enough for him to get the shirt over her head.

"_It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us (all about us)  
There's a theme that they can't touch  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)  
It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us  
all about us  
We'll run away if we must  
'Cause ya know  
It's all about us (It's all about us)  
It's all about love (It's all about us)  
In you I can trust (It's all about us)  
It's all about us"_

Instead of moving her mouth back to his neck she went lower and she licked and then sucked his hardening nipples. While she did this he laid Buffy down on her back and kissed any part on her chest that was exposed. She moaned and wrapped her legs around his waist and ground herself into him to cool off the burning that she felt between her legs.

"_They don't know  
They can't see  
Who we are  
Fear is the enemy  
Hold on tight  
Hold on to me  
'Cause tonight"_

Angelus got his hand beheind her back and he unhooked her bra and pulled it away from her body and he attacked her nipples with his mouth, tongue and teeth. She moaned even loader and he moved his hand lower and pulled off her long black chained pants. Angelus's breath caught in his throat as he stared at Buffy in a silky black thong.

"You look so amazing"

"Shut up…"

Angelus growled and crushed his lips against hers in a more forceful manor. She ranked her nails down his back as he bit into her nipple and drew blood. He sucked and pulled for the blood to come out and he was rewarded with a loud moan from Buffy. She got lower to the waist band of his pants and she undid his buckle and zipper and pulled his pants down over his hips and threw them onto the floor.

"_It's all about us  
It's all about  
All about us  
There's a theme that they can't touch  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)  
It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us (all about us)  
There's a theme that they can't touch  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)  
It's all about us (all about us)_

_All about us  
It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us (all about us)  
There's a theme that they can't touch  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)  
It's all about us (all about us)"_

She moaned as she felt him rub his throbbing errection against her leg. She could feel herself dripping wet and she felt his fingers play with the strap of her thong and then she felt him pull it down her legs and off. And now that nothing was keeping them separated from each other he went down on her and she braced herself for what was to come.

He came to his target and licked her cilt and he could hear her body grind against his mouth and he was loving it. He moved his other hand up to rub he bundle of nerves and he replaced his fingers with his tongue and pushed two fingers into her small tight channel. He heard he moan and groan with pleasure and the sound drove him on.

She felt herself come and she shook with release. He climbed up her body and positioned himself at her dripping wet entrance and slammed himself inside of her. She screamed with pleasure and discomfort and he pulled out and rammed back into her over and over until she thought she saw stars.

"_It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us (all about us)  
We'll run away if we must  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)   
It's all about us (all about us)  
It's all about  
All about us (all about us)  
We'll run away if we must  
'Cause ya know (ah ah)  
It's all about us (all about us)"_

She could feel her body about to come and she knew that he wasn't that far away either. With one last thrust they both came screaming and Angelus lay there holding her and fell asleep.

"_It's all about us (It's all about us)  
It's all about love (It's all about us)  
In you I can trust (It's all about us)_

It's all about us"

Buffy moved his arm off of her and went in her closet and put on a pair of new silk bikini underwear and a black bra and she threw a fishnet shirt over it so you could see her bra through it and she threw a skirt that was barly below her ass and she left her arms free of arm warmers showing off the cutting scars on her arms. She walked across her room to the door and left the room in search for a certain bleached blond.

As she passed some of the minions she could feel their eyes on her and she love it.

_A/N- I hope you liked it. I thought I would make this one longer because you have been waiting so patently. That song that was mentioned in this chapter is called "All about us" Sung by T.A.T.U.._


End file.
